Character Support Services
by 1917farmgirl
Summary: Even fictional characters need a little extra support at times. (Multi-fandom humor fic. Includes characters from Andromeda, Stargate & Atlantis, MASH, Merlin, Harry Potter, Young Riders, Criminal Minds, Charmed, NCIS, and many others.)


**Character Support Services**

Disclaimer: I don't own ANY of them. Not one. Promise.  
Season: Well…that's tricky. Just read it.  
Spoilers: Maybe. Quite probably. 

" **Crap Happens"**

"Order, order," Dr. Daniel Jackson called to the crowded room and was soundly ignored. He glanced around at the groups of chatting people and frowned, mildly annoyed. Setting his papers down on the stand, he stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a field-house whistle. All conversation died instantly; Jack would have been proud.

"All right, everyone, now that I have your attention, I would like to welcome you to the second meeting of the, and I quote, 'Crap Happens to Us Club'." He paused and looked up. "And while we're on that subject, is that really the name…"

"Daniel, we've been over this. The name stays," a nasal voice spoke from the front row.

"But it's just not very dignified."

"And you were freakin' out voted."

"Anyway, moving on. In the last meeting, our officers were selected. Our illustrious –" He glared at the front row. " – President has asked that I, as the Protocol Officer and Historian, start this meeting with a short summery of last month's meeting." He rummaged around in his papers for a moment, clearly looking for something. "Now where did I…I know I left the base with…"

"Here's your summery of last week, sir." A small man with round glasses stepped up and placed some papers in his hands.

"Um, thank you, Radar. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the minutes. Last week's lecture was given by our very own President, and he was kind enough to provide us with his own summery." Daniel glanced down at the paper and read through it quickly. He pushed his glasses back up and read it again. He cleared his throat and sighed. Finally, he started speaking.

"'The Universe hates us. Our lives stink. Not taking it any more.' Well, folks, there you have it. Succinct as usual. And now, we'll turn the time over to our Secretary to call roll."

Daniel left the podium and took a seat, as Radar stepped up to replace him.

"All right, everybody call out 'here' when I read your name. Peter Brady?"

"Here."

"Charlie Brown?"

"Here."

"Little Joe Cartwright?"

"Yo!"

"Felipe de la Vega?"

Silence. Radar stared at the paper, waiting.

Felipe waved his arm at Radar, rolling his eyes and glancing at Ike, who gave him a "totally understand" look. Still, Radar didn't look up. Finally, Felipe resorted to clapping his hands loudly. Startled, Radar jumped and then realizing his mistake, blushed deeply.

"Oh, yes, that's right. So sorry," he stammered. "Felipe de la Vega – here. Gilligan?"

"He's here," someone spoke up. "But we think he may have locked himself in the bathroom accidentally."

Radar raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

"Seamus Z. Harper?"

"Delighting you with my presence, as always."

"Dr. Daniel Jackson?"

"Present."

"Lt. Comm. Geordi LaForge?"

"Here."

"Corey Mathews?"

"Present."

"Ike McSwain?" This time he remembered to look up.

Ike waved.

"Cpl. Walter O'Reilly?"

Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, right, that's me! I'm here! Gus Pike?"

"Ready and a'waitin'."

"Harry Potter?"

"Yeah."

"S.A. Dr. Spencer Reid?"

Corey Matthews spoke up again when Radar reached that name. "Is he that skinny, nervous guy? Looks like his great-aunt dressed him and his mother forgot to cut his hair?" 

"Yes, that's him," Radar answered.

"Oh, his cell phone went off about ten minutes ago and he asked me to tell you he had to go. Something about a body or ten turning up in Michigan." Corey shrugged. "He was kidding, right?"

"Do you know what S.A. stands for?" Daniel asked, turning around in his seat to look at the dark-haired boy with raised eyebrows.

"Um…seriously advanced?"

"He's a Special Agent!" Harper burst out, turning in his seat like Daniel had just done. "FBI? Guns? Badges? Seriously evil psychopaths?"

Corey paled. "So, the bodies… He was serious?" he squeaked.

"More than likely," answered Daniel.

Corey gulped and stayed quiet. After a few moments, Radar cleared his throat and calmly continued with the roll.

"Shaggy?"

"Yo, Dude! And can I just say, this place is like, totally awesome!"

"Hoban Washburn?"

"Is this going to take long? I'm supposed to meet my wife for supply shopping…"

"You should be fine, Wash. Now, Dr. Jesse Travis?"

"That's me."

"Ronald Weasley?"

Again there was silence. Harry nudged his friend, and Ron who was scribbling furiously spilled a drop of ink on his parchment. He scowled angrily.

"Harry!" he hissed, "You know I have to have this essay in to Snape by tomorrow or he'll probably poison me."

"Ron, they just called your name…"

"Oh," Ron looked up, embarrassed. "Um…here."

Radar rolled his eyes and marked a check before reading the last name. "Leo Wyatt?"

It was Harper that answered.

"He'll be right back. He got, ah, an important call." Harper raised his eyebrows pointedly and gestured toward the ceiling.

"Wait, how do we know he didn't just skive off with our membership dues, huh?" Ron spoke up again, skepticism written all over his face along with a big smear of ink. "I mean, the bloke is our treasurer."

"And he's also an angel, exactly why we voted him into that position, remember?" Harper said in exasperation.

"Erm…yeah…right. I'll just shut up now, okay? Okay," Ron muttered.

"Well, President Harper," Radar finished, "The roll stands with nineteen members – sixteen present, two –"

"Um," a voice interrupted from the corner. Everyone looked over to find an older boy seated on the floor, a pile of tarnished armor surrounding him and a polishing rag in his hands. "I'm sorry, but you seem to have skipped me."

Radar glanced down at his paper again, wrinkling his eyes. "There are no other names here…but this could be an outdated list. What's your name again?"

"Merlin," the boy answered.

"Merlin what?"

The dark-haired boy blushed. "Erm, just Merlin."

"And what's with all the shiny, metal stuff?" Shaggy asked, craning his neck to get a better look past Wash's head.

"Oh, that. It's my master's armor. I'm supposed to polish it by tonight. I'm already up to my eyebrows in chores and I do NOT want to end up in the stocks again because I took time to come to this meeting."

"You know, detention with Snape isn't sounding so bad now," Ron muttered and everyone laughed.

Radar scribbled something down on the paper in front of him. "All right then, President Harper," Radar repeated, getting back to business. "The official roll stands at twenty members – seventeen present, two excused on important business, and one just lost."

"Great!" Harper cried, jumping to his feet. "Finally! Now that all that's over with, we can get on-" 

"Excuse me," a voice interrupted from the far, left corner. "You also never called my name."

"Beka!" Harper hissed, hurrying up to her and dragging her off to the side by the arm. "You're not supposed to be here!"

"And why not? I get just as much crap thrown at me as the next poor sucker. Why can't I join this club?"

"Because…well…"

Beka fixed him with one of her "I'm your boss" stares.

"Because you're a girl, all right?"

"What?"

Their not-so hushed conversation was drawing a lot of attention.

"You're a girl, Beka, and this is a guys only club!"

"Why!" she demanded, crossing her arms.

No one seemed to want to answer her. Finally, Peter Brady spoke up.

"Because girls have cooties," he said simply. Charlie Brown nodded.

Instead of tearing the two boys to shreds, Beka rounded on her engineer.

"HARPER!"

Harper looked like he was trying to melt into the floor.

"Um, pardon me, Ma'am," a smooth voice spoke up from behind the irate captain. Beka whirled to find Little Joe standing there smiling at her, hat in hand.

"Perhaps I can help, Ma'am. Our President here is just tryin' to tell ya that this meeting might get a little rough. It ain't no place for ladies like yourself. Now, the Ladies Auxiliary Branch is meeting just down the hall and I'd be happy to escort ya there. Dr. Janet Fraser will be tickled pink ta have a new member."

She should have slapped him for implying she couldn't handle the meeting. And she should have shot him for calling her a lady, but no one had ever taken their hat off for her before and it was a bit disarming. Not quite sure what had come over her, she found herself accepting his arm.

"Thank you, Joe. Let's go." Turning to Harper she mouthed, " _You_ I'll deal with later…"

Harper made a mental note to avoid Beka for the foreseeable future as he walked back to the stand.

"All right. Now, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, let's get to the freakin' point." 


End file.
